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Home | Return to Division Fixtures
| Nom | Home Player | Nom | Away Player | Result | Games |
| 1A | C Lindsay | 1 | King Lewy | 2 | 3 | 7/9 9/5 9/0 4/9 4/9 | | 1 | I Hammerton | 2 | Adam Pyne | 3 | 1 | 9/6 9/4 3/9 9/5 | | 3 | M Thomson | 4 | Dutch Rag | 1 | 3 | 9/4 8/10 8/10 2/9 | | 2 | K Palmer | 5 | El Capitano | 3 | 1 | 9/0 1/9 9/2 9/7 | | 5 | R Terry | 7 | JT | 0 | 3 | 5/9 8/10 6/9 | | | | | | | | | | | Games: | 9 | 11 | |
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| | | Bonus: | 0 | 5 | |
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| | | Result: | 9 | 16 | |
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| Report: | BCC SQUEEZE OUT ANOTHER VICTORY AND FLATTEN BLT SPIRIT IN THE PROCESS
BCC won their 4th league match on the spin and maintained their position in 4th on the two league ladder. This though was one of the more hard fought victories of the season.
Dutch Prodigy (that name is not going to last) returned to the side after a productive week shopping in Primark with his parents. Adam also stepped in at the last minute in place of the haphazard Turkish Tony, who was crushed on Monday morning whilst riding his motorbike to work. Fortunately the injury wasn’t too serious, but no doubt he will be buying another property with the insurance claim money.
Martin Vs Dutch Rag (No.3)
Dutch Rag had just walked in from work. He was all suited and booted, and looked the part. It appeared that the emails his mother had been sending him throughout the day, reminding him about his dress attire had paid dividends. However after searching his bag, he soon realised that his shorts had gone missing. Now Dutch Rag is a big old lad, so it was going to be hard to find him a pair that would actually fit him – however El Capitano’s stretchy tracksuit bottoms fitted a treat – or so we thought.
Martin in the first was clinical – Dutch Rag looked flat, and Martin took advantage hitting some delightful lengths and some brilliant cross court dead nicks.
Somehow in the 2nd, despite his tracksuit bottoms giving him problems, Dutch Rag managed to fight off Martins’ retrieving and level the match at 1-1.
What was to follow was hilarious. In the 3rd the tracksuit bottoms began to give way under the sever pressure of Dutch Rags’ big arse. A well positioned rip appeared all the way up the crotch, revealing Dutch Rag in all his glory. The gallery couldn’t contain their laughter, and Martin was clearly ruffled. Each rally would end with Dutch Rag readjusting himself, and trying to hide his boxers. Unforced errors were appearing in Martins’ game and Dutch Rag went on to take the 3rd somehow 10-8.
By now the tracksuit bottoms were ripped everywhere. Across the backside, inside the right leg, and over his crotch. Martin was perplexed and wilted under the view. Game and match to Dutch Rag.
In a post match interview given by Dutch Rag, he responded to a question about his boxers in the usual naïve manner. ‘Well it was rather fortunate I was wearing a tight fitting pair – given to me by Laura – that way it was all held together rather tightly, and didn’t bounce around all over the place’ Priceless!!!
Bionic Ron Vs JT (No.5)
Whilst Dutch Rag was stripping on the opposing court, JT put in another clinical performance at number 5. Since the start of the year, JT is playing squash everyday, and it is clearly paying off, as week after week he puts in a dominant display. Tonight was no different. His pre match meal of a Cadburys mini egg and Muller rice gave him the burst of energy he needed in the 1st as he negotiated Bionic Ron’s’ deceptive play. JT’s line and length was excellent and his volleying was vastly improved. Game 9-5.
In the 2nd JT began to take his foot of the gas, and Bionic Ron raced into an 8-2 lead. JT chipped away at the lead, slowing down the squash and hitting some great backhand drives. Bionic Ron succumbed to JT’s clever squash and went 2-0 down.
Unfortunately I was looking at Dutch Rags’ boxers in the 3rd so missed this game. Judging by the look of JT after the game it was all plain sailing, proving that he really is back to his best. Surely he’s done enough to propel himself up the order El Capitano?
Keith Vs El Capitano (No.4)
The highly anticipated match between Keith and El Capitano was marred by the fact it was Pancake Day. El Capitano was boasting about the fact he had a bigger gut than anyone on the team (even gutty 50stone Dutch Rag) by quoting he’d polished off 9, no 10, no 12 pancakes beforehand and that he would prove the queen of the night and pull off an all-inspiring performance. Unfortunately this was not the case. The game started off well with both players showing up. However El Capitano lost his nerve, then the following 9 points in quick succession (9-0). Then came the form, and El Capitano polished off the next game 1-9 in very quick succession. This was followed by another lack lustred game, losing 9-1. With the game already lost rackets were thrown and childlike behaviour, as shown by eating his weight in pancakes beforehand, was displayed, followed by Hulk Hogan retching impressions that are also associated with over indulgence.
Note: Ian you’re 38 years old now, eating a years worth of pancakes in one sitting is not a necessity. Ian’s mum in reading – part of Ian’s loss last night is down to you, for over feeding your child.
9-0, 1-9, 9-1 something else something else… Loss to BCC (Report by JT)
Ian Vs Adam (No.2)
With King Lewy working late, Adam turned up at 9pm and was straight on court. Ian had been warming up for the past 2hrs and his freshness clearly paid off. I never saw the 1st two games, but judging by the weird stretching Adam was doing in between games, his back was clearly giving him problems. Some vocal support from his team-mates seemed to galvanise Adam in the 3rd. His tricky boasts and great retrieving forced Ian to rethink his game plan. The match was now at 2-1 and hanging in the balance.
The fourth however proved one game to many for Adam. His usual line and length reminded me of my sort of squash, whilst his splits at the front of the court weren’t working. (Please please don’t try those moves Dutch Rag!!) All Ian had to do was drop it at the front – he did do this but made hard work of it. Adam was defeated and he managed to smash two racquets in the process. His dad won’t be happy!! He didn’t stick around to watch his brother produce the performance of the season. Something about a bath with loads of drugs to sort his back out.
Match all square at 2-2 – Now for the fireworks.
Colin Vs King Lewy (No.1)
King Lewy had been paying bonuses until 9pm – so he looked rather tired when he strode on court at 9.30pm. He was also up against Colin – No.15 in Scotland and someone who until entering the cauldron that is NW Kent Priory hadn’t lost for over a year up north.
I missed the 1st as I was trying to motivate whiney Pyney, but according to Keith the coach, King Lewy did his best to throw it away after taking a commanding lead in the first.
Colin began to get to get to grips with King Lewy in the second, and started to rally his opponent to death with hard lengths. King Lewy looked shattered and the writing was on the wall as Colin took a commanding 2-1 lead.
A pep talk from all round good guy JT got King Lewy believing midway through the 4th, and he never looked back after that. He had Colin scampering and diving around the court as he produced some great shots. He peppered Colin with tricky boasts and then tight lengths; he even threw in a few dead nicks for good measure. The away team did their bit as the 12th man by banging away and cheering on King Lewy as he played winner after winner.
An inspired comeback by King Lewy gave BCC the victory, although it wasn’t as easy as the bookies had expected!!
Pancakes followed for the meal – although they weren’t as good as my mums. Still 11 pancakes in one day is a very good effort. Although if I’m not careful I may too rip my shorts Dutch Rag styley. Only problem is, I go Commando!!!
El Capitano (Official Pancake Tester, Squash Clothing Supplier)
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| Author: | El Capitano |
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