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 | Fixture Details | |  | | |
Home | Return to Division Fixtures
| Nom | Home Player | Nom | Away Player | Result | Games |
| | Alex Martin | | James Fender | 2 | 3 | 9/6 9/6 6/9 5/9 6/9 | | | Simon Grey | | Kevin Tullett | 0 | 3 | 3/9 2/9 5/9 | | | Grant Seed | | J Jardine | 0 | 3 | 6/0 1/9 5/9 | | | Paul James | | Billy Mcmanus | 3 | 0 | 9/5 9/6 9/5 | | | Dan Lark | | B Newark | 3 | 0 | 9/1 9/1 9/7 | | | | | | | | | | | Games: | 8 | 9 | |
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| | | Bonus: | 0 | 5 | |
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| | | Result: | 8 | 14 | |
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| Report: | Marcelius Aurelius once asked, “And what is Amida, Maximus?”, to which Maximus replied, “I’ve seen much of the rest of the world. It is brutal and cruel and dark, Amida is the light.” And as the gladiators of team Hoff strode to the ampitheatres of battle (courts 3 and 4), you could hear the bating cries of the crowd, “Keep it straight and tight, straight and tight!!” They left quite early after that.
Unfortunately, Team Hoff were bent and wide as the visitors forced a marginal victory through a mix of will and skill.
Team Hoff’s number one gladiator Alex ‘el Kunto’ Martin was up against a young and energetic J Fender, heir to the Fender guitar-making empire – once an icon of the 1960s. Hendrix would have been befuddled however at how Fender wielded his axe – doubled handed (although not all the time) – and this would probably have caused Hendrix to die in his sleep, regardless of his liking for barbiturates. Fender’s unique style was no obstacle though.
Kunto started well, as is his wont, with deft touches, mesmerizing drop shots, bamboozling boasts and deceptive cross-courts. Fender found himself during the first two games chasing his own tail at times, having to change direction, stop and start and try his best to scoop up the ball from the tightest of situations. El Kunto has the enviable ability to make opponents look naff and he was succeeding, that’s why he is a kunto. But Fender was not being completely outclassed. El Kunto’s hypnotic winners made one forget that the first two games were in fact a lot closer than they appeared. Both went to el Kunto 9-6 but imperceptibly he was tiring, whilst Fender was quickening and was learning how to read his opponent’s game that bit more. During the third, this pattern became more evident, as el Kunto’s already non-existent movement became statuesque and he began to tin too many shots. This gave Fender the boost he was looking for and he slowly turned the score 9-6 in his favour. What’s more, el Kunto had not quite factored in the retard-like marking of Disco Cowboy, who gave lets when there should have been a strokes and vice-versa and who, eventually gave up, and let the two gladiators work it out themselves. From then on el Kunto looked in difficulty. He made too many silly mistakes and at one point, clearly in a position to win a stroke (and yes, Disco Cowboy would have given a stroke) he opted to play the shot – into the tin. Fender took full advantage and won the fourth 9-5. El Kunto tried to pull himself together in the fifth, primarily by removing his thigh bandage during the interval, but this didn’t work, as a thigh bandage only weighs a few grams. Fender quickened still, and started hunting the ball. His retrieving was excellent and he managed to turn around several rallies when he was completely out of the point, deservedly winning the fifth. El Kunto will have to go back to the drawing board and take up drawing.
Simon ‘Ref Killer’ Grey was playing K Tullett on court 4 in battle of the number twos. And what a mighty pile of crap he played. He was on and off court in the time it takes el Kunto to eat a kebab. Unfortunately Ref Killer’s form at home has not matched his ability to play some sublime squash away. He clearly likes to play away. We’d better get in touch with his wife. Tullett on the other hand proved to be strong and consistent, making few errors and dispatching Ref Killer without fuss.
Grant Webhead Seedy, still struggling with his beer arm injury, put up a valiant effort against J Jardine. Clearly, all the years of drinking pint after pint of Domestos has given him RSI, not to mention a strange webhead sense of humour. Webhead couldn’t quite figure out a way to get past his restrictions or get past 6 points in a game and he was flushed down the drain in no time at all by Jardine who looked confident and assured.
Disco Cowboy was up against B McManus in battle of the ‘I prefer tennis actually’ match’. McM anus, sporting his tennis cap – and clearly a pro at the overheads (smashing several expert kills during the course of the game) was an extremely canny and crafty opponent. Disco had to work hard to maintain a very slight edge in the encounter and often struggled to put away McManus, who pushed to the end and was supported all the way by Leo Sayer in the stands. The game was very tight and a few expletives were hurled, as was a racket. A word of advice from the Team Hoff racket throwing coach – you (McManus) really ought to throw it like a man next time – forget the ladies technique and trying to save your racket from smashing : ) Disco just edged the match 3-0 with three very close games.
In the final encounter, Dan ‘Kung Fu took her to a Sauna on Wednesday’ Lark played B Newark. Kung Fu was in no mood for a five gamer as he launched a ferocious attack on his opponent – calling him a @:/?~!!!!! during the warm up. Oh hang on, no he didn’t. But he hit the ball ferociously once again though. The speed gun was not available for this match but one observer – Webhead – said, as he drank from his family-size bottle of Domestos, Kung Fu had hit the ball a trillion miles an hour. We believe Webhead.
A few of the lads from the opposing team decided not to eat at the post match dinner, one did have reasonable excuse though. He had poisoned his girlfriend and she had called him as she lay sick on the sofa. Fortunately he mustered enough good nature to forgo dinner and go home early. To finish the job. Fender (without guitar) and McManus did stay for dinner, although he was on a strict diet of one food group at a time. Luckily Kung Fu was on hand to eat the excess. What a cookie monster he is. Unfortunately there was no food available to Leo Sayer – who is clearly struggling now that his hits have dried up.
The battle weary gladiators eventually left the light of Amida and disappeared into the darkness – of the car park. The cries of the crowd had long since evaporated in the night air as another defeat lay heavy in their hearts. Nothing that a bit of Domestos can’t sort. Well played some of you!!
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| Author: | Amida |
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