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Home | Return to Division Fixtures
| Nom | Home Player | Nom | Away Player | Result | Games |
| 7 | A Martin | 2 | J Head | 3 | 1 | 9/1 5/9 9/5 9/4 | | 11 | P James | 4 | A Ward | 3 | 0 | 9/3 9/3 9/2 | | 14 | D Lark | 5 | S Johnson | 0 | 3 | 0/9 0/9 0/9 | | 15 | G Seed | 7 | J Lawton | 1 | 3 | 6/9 8/10 9/2 4/9 | | 16 | T Carr | 10 | C Thain | 0 | 3 | 8/10 2/9 5/9 | | | | | | | | | | | Games: | 7 | 10 | |
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| | | Bonus: | 0 | 5 | |
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| | | Result: | 7 | 15 | |
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| Report: | “For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness,” said American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson. He had clearly never been 27-nilled in a game of squash, as Dan the Kung Foo Lark had. There were plenty of sympathetic words from team Amida after – try harder, you got your pants pulled down, we’ll put a banner up, you have to wear a wig for the rest of the season, did you have the racket in your correct hand, did you hold it by the handle, maybe you should try playing without the panty-liners – but this failed to cheer up Kung Foo as he shovelled more and more food down his gullet in the post match chow down. To be fair, he was sanguine in defeat, “I couldn’t hit the ball,” he chomped. A reasonable analysis, but a worrying one given the hitting-the-ball concept is quite central to the game of squash. His opponent remained calm and composed during the match, controlling the T with excellent length and tight shots, forcing Kung Foo into error after error. His brand new racket must have looked rather worn with each rally (although he might have faired better without a racket). Match advice after the first game from Disco Cowboy (P James – your author) seemed to go unheeded as he came off court about 3 minutes later 2-0 down. Disco decided not to advise Kung Foo on game 3, thinking that Kung Foo would go back on court and resort to his tried and tested method of trying to hit the ball so hard and fast it would travel into the future. Unfortunately this strategy failed. (It must be pointed out that CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, has so far only been able to show that sub-atomic particles can time travel). Questions were raised as to why simple chance did not play a part in awarding Kung Foo a point, such as lucky nick off the frame – so often a staple of Kung Foo’s winning shots. But tonight Mathew, Kung Foo was about as unlucky as a hedgehog trying to blow up a balloon. Team Amida has now been put on full watch to check that Kung Foo does not swell to the size of Fern Britten. Every minute of a McDonalds can turn into 60lbs of flab.
Amida’s Grant – Webhead –Seedy did manage however to get some points against John the Whisperer. This was a seesaw of a game and very intriguing. Webhead started like Spiderman, had Spiderman ever played squash. Perfect length, tight drives, short and hard mixed with dying pokes to the back, finished off with some rolling dead drop shots – like a mouse out of the skirting. He was 5-0 up in no time and looked in full control. But for some reason, his head became filled with cotton wool and he allowed the Whisperer back into the game. Whisperer took full advantage and with some good chasing and some excellent shots of his own he began to move Webhead around. Soon Webhead looked like he had webbed feet and began playing shots only a man on acid would choose. First game to Whisperer. At the start of the second Webhead established control once again and raced into a deserved lead of 8-2. Whisperer looked tired and jaded and even the strange banging on the glass back court by a deranged Tunbrige Wells supporter (we expected him to bring out his squeegee and chamois at any moment to start cleaning the glass such was his desire to touch it) could not raise the Whisperer. But once again, cotton wool – that blasted demon – infiltrated Webhead. He started boasting like his girlfriend’s life depended on it – I’m sure he would have boasted his serve if he’d thought about it – and slowly but surely he let the Whisperer back in. With each point, Webhead became Webfeet and Whisperer grew in belief. The ranting and banging of the deranged fan got more disturbing and the whole crescendo was too much to bear as Whisperer sneaked it 10-8. A devastating psychological blow. But in the interval Webhead gathered himself and realised that all was not lost. A simple rearrangement of strategy was in order. He was told in no uncertain terms that if he was to boast again, we knew where his kids went to school. Message understood. Game 3 and Webhead began playing patient squash, rallying with width and depth, and this did the trick. Whisperer began to tire and make more and more mistakes. In no time at all Webhead had pulled one back, 2-1. His instruction was to continue in the same vein. Both players at this stage looked tired but in game 4 the rallies remained extended. However, Whisperer seemed to draw on some extra reserves he’d found in his back pocket and started to move Webhead about just that little bit more. And gradually Whisperer regained dominance and slowly but surely finished off the match. A very enjoyable battle for spectators (except for the Tunbridge glass back supporter – who but for his un-Glaswegian accent – might have been mistaken for the fan who tickled Dida in the Champions League a week ago).
Super Sub Toby, Amida’s prodigal son, returned with a crack of expectation. His form over the last year has been outstanding. Played one point, won one point. No need for match practice. He breezed on court and began to show those trade mark cross court drops and looking-behind-to-his-opponent-to-see- where-he-is-as-he-plays-the-shot routines during the warm up. Unfortunately that’s where the bling stopped. Your author went on to play his match after that but at the post match press conference Super Sub’s disappointment was tangible; “If only I’d played squash more often each decade.” His opponent did not attend the conference. His agent said he was suffering from exhaustion at having to stay in one spot whilst fending off the ball during the game.
Amida’s Alex ‘El Kunto’ Martin looked a class act against Jolyion. Your author was marking Webhead at the time but reports coming in said that he was in control for most of the match. I witnessed at first hand, some of the devastation his beguiling shots caused. He was a hurricane, a tsunami, a twister, a taipan (..er no that’s snake) he was El Kunto. His improved fitness over the last few months have added an extra edge to his game, quicker to the ball, better retrieving, better recovery. Where once there was junk in the trunk, now there is just a smaller trunk with not so much junk. More like fruit and veg or something (or just one or two Magners, not a whole crateful). Joylion did however get a game and possibly could have forced the issue further but he was quick to give respect to El Kunto’s court craft, “I didn’t have a clue which way the ball was going,” he said.
In the final match, Disco Cowboy played Andy, a rather young looking and fresh-faced recruit to the Priory, who displayed some lovely languid yet powerful shots in the warm up. Disco knew this would be a tough game. The first exchanges were evenly balanced, a mixture of feeling out the opponent (not up – dear readers) and establishing range. Both players seemed to move well and there were some big hits from Andy. However, Disco was just a little bit more consistent and managed to edge into a lead. This continued and despite several hand outs Disco closed out the first game. At the start of the second Andy came out with some bigger guns, shooting into a 3-0 lead. But once again, a little bit of inconsistency from Andy and some good length from Disco, allowed Disco to build a lead. He started to gain more control of the T, forcing Andy into the corners and sapping some of his reserves. The third continued in the same vein. There were big rallies however, and at 8-1 up there were several hand outs, with Andy picking up some almost unreturnables and forcing Disco to dig in a shut up shop – which Disco eventually did.
Team Amida possibly could have sneaked a couple of matches, we won’t mention names. If Kung Foo had got more points he might have won, for instance. But his 60 seconds of happiness will have to wait – at least until the next time he gets a point. Then, it will be Enter the Dragon territory. |
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| Author: | Disco Cowboy |
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