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Home | Return to Division Fixtures
| Nom | Home Player | Nom | Away Player | Result | Games |
| 1 | Chris Sayer | 1 | Darren Heathfield | 3 | 0 | 10/8 10/8 9/3 | | 2 | 'PJ' Rutherford | 3 | Bob Cowans | 3 | 0 | 9/7 10/8 9/5 | | 3 | Jerry Staffurth | 4 | Marc Golding | 3 | 0 | 9/5 9/2 9/3 | | 4 | Gary Mitchell | 6 | Mike Breen | 2 | 3 | 1/9 9/7 9/2 8/10 0/9 | | 6 | Chris Morgan | 5 | Andy McLean | 1 | 3 | 4/9 6/9 9/4 5/9 | | | | | | | | | | | Games: | 12 | 6 | |
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| | | Bonus: | 5 | 0 | |
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| | | Result: | 17 | 6 | |
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| Report: | This was a two-ringed circus that had everything it was billed to have …. bright lights; intrigue; sawdust; danger; heart-stopping action. The bruising, gloves-off, no-holds-barred spectacle of two Div. 2 wannabees at it toe to toe.
Remembering the near abandonment of an away fixture in the cup earlier in the year, Knole had arranged for new pure brilliant glaring white paint on the walls and a light covering of sawdust on the floors in honour of Acacia’s visit. This did not unduly disturb any of the flat-footed tortoises lower in the order, but would prove important once the hares at the top got going.
Knole had taken an extreme risk, making a tactical change to bring in Chris Morgan for Mark Fleming. Remembering how much trouble Mark had had with the dust at Acacia Hall, he was let off to spend more time with his dog. Chris tried to practise knocking up with his wife before the match, but she pulled up lame. So the omens for Knole were not good.
As the Acacia stragglers were guided in to Knole Park by mobile ‘phone link - Darren stopping only to admire the BMWs and Mini Coopers several times – the early skirmishes got under way. At 5, Chris Morgan found Andy McLean (surely the best no. 5 in the league?) eager to get Acacia off to a flier. From 4-4 in the first, Andy streaked away, using his natural left hand to his advantage. At 6-6 in the second, Chris again let him get away. And, although Chris bravely stole the third, he could never quite match Andy’s determination. Three or four tight left-handed forehand drives by Andy in the fourth took first blood for Acacia Hall.
‘PJ’ was also finding Bob Cowans a handful at 2. Two very close games, with the final bounces not going Bob’s way, took the heart out of Bob and ‘PJ’ was able to close out a handy 3-0 win to level the match.
The 4s – Gary Mitchell and Mike Breen – was probably the best exhibition of the old and new schools of squash. Mike hits the ball hard and clean; Gary soft and dirty. Mike raced away to 9/1 in the first, only to have Gary dig in; psyche him out with subtle touch and deceptive speed; and reel him in to his preferred (front) half of the court.
At 2-1 down, Mike (surely the best no. 4 in the league?) drew an imaginary line with his racket halfway back in the court – and politely invited Gary to occasionally play behind it. Gary politely declined, having been around too long to fall for the ‘imaginary line’ trick. Instead he walked away from the ball a few times, pretending to be interested in the ‘continuous play’ rule. Mike responded with muttered expletives and exceptional racket-tossing skill.
Gary had match ball at 8-6 up in the fourth, and the air was turning blue. The contrast with the virginal white walls was charming, but not Gary’s demeanour as he found himself unable to finish the job. Young Mike had no trouble in winning the fifth to give Acacia back the lead.
Jerry Staffurth is an unsung hero of Knole. He quietly and methodically goes about his job at 2 or 3 and, with only one loss this season, has been a rock for the rest of the team to build around. Marc Golding always had one shot too few for Jerry’s steady play. Another 3-0 to Knole gave them the points lead as well as squaring the match.
The Acacia ‘f’ word count would put Gordon Ramsay’s in the shade. In the cauldron of the Knole squash kitchen, much extreme behaviour was let go by excessively lenient markers. Three cheers for Andrew McLean, the only Acacia player brave enough to mark his irascible colleagues. Some of his teammates even resorted to inventing a ‘home rule’ rule to evade their responsibility to provide two markers. Acacia’s inactive players went off to the showers and the bar, to wash away the dust and paint fumes. This left non-playing Knole captain John Creek again to demonstrate his supreme arbitrarial skills. His total command of the balcony and the action drew gasps of admiration from the onlookers and some (sarcastic?) encouragement from the players. John may not be as ‘pretty’ as some in the league; but, boy, does he know how to slap down hard on unnecessary interference when he sees it! If they can’t provide competent, or even willing, markers themselves, Acacia will have to get used to old people with poor eyesight but plenty of experience having control of their destiny.
So, for the decider. Chris Sayer (undefeated this year) and the young pretender Darren Heathfield - two good players who had not met before; quite unusual in this league full of 50-somethings. At times it was difficult to know whether both players were trying hard. Whenever they looked as though they were stretching for a ball, the sawdust seemed to stop them. This made for tricky marking, because lets had to be given for no apparent effort. Still, when the players did make an effort and tried to hit the ball hard it either went into the tin or the ceiling – very fast. Two very close games both went Chris’s way. Darren won the battle of the verbals, calling himself all sorts of nasty things. It looked as though the intensity could only increase. But the third game was an anti-climax, Chris seeming to have taken less out of himself physically and mentally than Darren. Match result 3-2 to Knole and lots of useful points to stretch the gap.
Acacia Hall are already undisputed lager-swilling and effing racket and expletive-chucking champs – at least in the more refined Sevenoaks-Tunbridge Wells corridor of North-West Kent. And Knole are already looking forward to splitting bar bills with them next season in Div. 2. When Acacia get their nominations right, they will be a squash force to be reckoned with as well. In the meantime – Mike Breen (surely the best no. 4 in the league?) and Andy McLean (surely the best no.5?) will have to be content with beating up hapless tail-enders.
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| Author: | John 'ugly old boy' Creek |
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